Fear of Failure and the Impostor Syndrome

After getting away and spending some time catching up on rest, I feel so much better. I realize that the emotions I've been experiencing since the end of the festival aren't that out of the ordinary. This morning I was looking back over pictures on Facebook and my intention was to recap all of the things that I've done over the past few months. I realized not only that I have been all over the place, giving it my all, but also that I had missed watching a video that James' mom posted (and tagged me in) on her timeline. I think if I had watched it and really listened to the words, I might have avoided some tears and my closest friends would have been spared my extreme, sleep deprived range of emotions.

I'll place the video below. I think everyone who is brave enough to attempt to create something should watch it because the advice is on point, and "creating something" can include anything from starting a business or solving a problem to making a piece of art. In my mind, it's all art. The most inspiring thing to me in this video was when Neil Gaiman talked about feeling as if you were walking down the street, naked and exposed and that being the point when you were just getting started. I feel that way. I feel like there are people who are watching what James and I are doing, cheering us on and lending support. I have also experienced people out there who are just waiting for us to fail, telling us that we can't do everything that we have dreamed about.

The point is, I know I'm no celebrity or superstar, but I feel like there are more and more people watching and that leaves me feeling exposed. I worry about what people think because I want to do everything I can to help Sixtwelve thrive. Usually while James is the one saying we can do anything, I'm in the other seat worrying that we're going to break a rule or turn someone off that could potentially help us. I believe that the higher the quality of this creation, the more people we can serve and the more goodness we can put out into the world. But who is to say that James is wrong? In fact, I'm now more inclined to think that he's the one who should be leading this project because he is the one that has gotten us to this point through all of the Historic Preservation staff and commission meetings, all of the City Planning staff and commission meetings and all of the City Council meetings. He has faced his fears and has boldly asked for things that have never been done before (or at least in the combination we are planning.) He has believed so vehemently in what we are doing that he hasn't backed down. And we have patiently waited until we get the result that we believe is best. James inspires me to believe we can do this.

I love people. I love to make people happy. It makes me happy to give that to others, but the truth is, I have to quit thinking about what other people think and I have to realize that Gaiman is right. We're doing something that is different from what anyone else in this community has done, so we are making up the rules as we go along. Maybe that's why I can identify with Gaiman talking about the impostor syndrome. For about two weeks after graduation, I had this fear that my committee had just passed me because I was nice or that my thesis wasn't really that great and that someone would figure it out and take back my degree. Isn't that crazy? But it explains why I would worry about us being given permission for incredible things, and then the city changing its mind. I'm no sustainability guru. In fact, I'm no education guru, but I care. I want to see a change in the way things are done because I believe people need something different than the status quo. I believe that we all need encouragement to live healthy, educated lives.

I think the key is just to do what you're going to do, do it well and see what happens. In the meantime, I'm being stretched so far beyond what I ever thought I could do and thanks to the different abilities James and I possess, we're doing it! Hopefully, people will find inspiration in that, regardless of what the future holds. I'm grateful for this opportunity and I will not ever give it up. I will give everything I've got to this dream because I believe it's what people need. It's exciting and scary all at the same time, but that's the adventure of life, isn't it? Thank goodness I have a great friend who is taking the ride with me, encouraging me to be strong and to ignore that Impostor Syndrome. I can't wait to see what we can accomplish if I can learn to ignore the negative voices (from outside and inside my own head) and to embrace the courage to trust the positive ones. That's the intention and direction I'm setting for myself.

Watch this video and be inspired. I dare you.

What now?

James and my cabin at The Canebrake. We escaped to recoup after the Paseo Fest!

The last few months have been jam-packed full of work, pressure, stress and accomplishment. I am more than grateful that everything went well and that I was able to accomplish my goals. Everything I did, from finishing my masters to planning and orchestrating the music for the south stage at the Paseo Arts Festival,  all fit into a plan that has been in place for a few years now.

I actually started grad school about five and a half years ago, almost exactly to the date when I started working at the Oklahoma City Museum of Art as an education curator.  I had left teaching music at Lakeview Elementary school in 2004, having just finished my bachelors in Art History in December of 2006, and was set to get my masters in a couple of years, but when the job was offered to me, I couldn't pass it up. I knew that it would bring valuable administrative experience, lending even more ability to accomplishing my dream of opening a little school for art and music.

And then I met James. He had just moved back home from California after getting his degrees in Architecture and Film at USC. We met through mutual friends and were renovating our houses at the same time. He would come over and we would compare notes on design ideas and covet each other's new appliances. Ha! We would sit in the green house or on my arbor swing, drinking wine and talking about our dreams for the future. His ideas of renovating an historic structure for the purpose of serving the community fit nicely with my idea of a school for art and music, so we decided to join forces. The combination of our intentions has resulted in something bigger than either of us ever imagined and I couldn't be more grateful. We now have plans and a location for a community center that will offer classes centered on art, music, film, cooking, gardening and all things related to sustainable living.

Over the past couple of days, I've found myself even more worn out than when I graduated (not surprising at all considering the pace of the Paseo Arts Festival) and I think I might be experiencing something like postpartum depression. I'm so proud of everything I've done and I'm more than grateful for everyone that worked alongside me. There is no way that I would have been able to achieve my goals if it weren't for the support and work of others like James, my family, friends, professors and countless volunteers at the festival. So why would I be feeling like this? Shouldn't I be celebrating and breathing a big sigh of relief?

I am celebrating...mainly by catching up on rest. I have napped and slept as late as I could, but I find myself so tired that the slightest sadness or sweetness will have me shedding tears in no time. My friend Romy told me this is normal. She said that when you push and push for something, it's easy to feel some kind of let down after you've reached your goal, even if it goes really well.

I don't want to be a negative person or someone who can't enjoy their successes. I want to be someone who celebrates with all of the people who helped make it happen, but I think that months and years of stress can do something to a person's personality. So I'm taking a little break before I jump back in to planning for Sixtwelve. I'm excited by the thought that I can now devote all of my creative energy towards our dreams and sometimes I honestly can't stop myself from the dreaming and planning, but next week, mom and I are leaving on a trip. We're going on a cruise around the British Isles and I can't wait. Not only will it be great to spend time alone with her (we never get to do that anymore) but I think it will be the perfect reset button for my attitude and energy. I want to give everything I've got to James, Sixtwelve and our community, but I've got to fill up that tank of goodness so I'll have more to give.

Paseo Arts Festival Music!

Holy guacamole, it's been a long day! I was out on Paseo Drive giving an interview with my awesome friend, and soon to be sister-in-law, Camille Harp, at 8:20 am. She is one talented lady, so when Fox 25 wanted me to invite one of the musicians from the Paseo Arts Festival, I knew who I wanted to ask. Have you heard her perform? Now I know that I have a bias here. Anyone who even thinks about ethics knows that family ties don't always influence in the best way when making business decisions, but I'm serious. Have you heard her perform??? The quality of her music speaks for itself. She doesn't need my help. In fact, it was quite the opposite today. I am proud to say she's family, but I'm even more grateful that she was willing to get up so early and help the Paseo out before she went to work.



After the interview, I spent the day organizing my book for the south stage, running a few errands, greeting artists and setting up the music stages for the weekend. I'm so excited about the music that I'll get to hear this weekend that I can't sleep. We finished setting everything up at midnight tonight and I am still wide awake because of anticipation. (Hope I can wake up at 5:30 am to start the day as planned in the morning!) I'm not nervous; I'm just really looking forward to the performances and hopefully all the visitors will enjoy themselves.

One of my favorite parts of the weekend is working with such wonderful people. I love our committee and the harder we work together, the more I love them. And can we talk about how honored I am to be a part of the music that happens at the festival? A couple of days ago I found out that Andy Artis is going to be playing fiddle with M. Tim Blake. When I heard the news, I thought, "This is so cool! I know Andy and Tim, and they are generous supporters of the artistic community in OKC. How cool for them to be collaborating!" I think it's pretty special when talented people join forces for good. :)

Then it dawned on me. In the past year, I have met and spent time with some of the most wonderful people. I love the art and music communities in Norman and OKC.  I have barely scratched the surface on knowing who is out there and what they can do, but I believe we have some incredible talent and creative minds right here in Oklahoma. (Won't it be fun to research that?) And I think we have a pretty great representation of that on the north and south stages during the festival.

Casey Friedman of Acoustic Oklahoma planed the north stage. I thought it was only fitting for someone who is working so hard to document Oklahoma musicians, playing acoustically in his studio, to be in charge of that stage. Man, what a line-up he's put together! I'm going to have to sneak away from the south stage every now and then to listen, but that will be hard because I love the people on my stage too! What a great dilemma to have. So grateful for Casey.

I guess the point of this blog is to say that I am just so glad to be a part of something I believe in. Moreover, to be experiencing it with people I care about and admire just makes every second of hard work worthwhile. Yay for Paseo Festival!!!!!

Graduation - Just Keep Going

I am so excited! I reached my goal! I graduated with my masters degree in art history! Yahooooo!!!! Graduation was last Friday night and Saturday morning. Here's a little pic.

I can't tell you how many sleepless nights or how much fear, worry and self-doubt I worked through over the past month. I know that it's common for students to feel that way, so I don't think my experience was extraordinary, but goodness, that was hard! There were times that I actually thought I might fail, but I just kept going. I'm so glad I did.

I now find myself a little run down and I'm still having those dreams where you wake up in a panic because you think you've forgotten a deadline, a form or failed your defense.  It's so nice to wake up and realize that it was just a nightmare and not reality.  I'm having a little trouble with my energy level too and I can't really take a break because the Paseo Arts Festival is coming up.

I'm the chair for the music committee again this year and I've got a lot of organizing to do, but it's coming together. I had all of the bands for the south stage planned while I was still in Savannah and my friend, Casey Friedman, of Acoustic Oklahoma scheduled the north acoustic stage before I had mine finished, so the groundwork has been done for a while, but there is still work to do. There is always work to do.

I'm really excited about the festival and I'm looking forward to all of the great music, but I have to admit that I'm looking forward to a time when I can finally relax, a time when I get to take a nap in the middle of the day. I can't wait for that. In the meantime, I'm celebrating with everything I do. I did it and I'm proud of myself! Prouder, maybe, than I've ever been. So it's time to get to work and put that education to good use. I have to just keep going!

House Arrest :)

Thesis Central - Complete With Two Computers and a Bottle of Lysine for Protecting My Immune System

I have spent the last two weeks shutting myself off from most of my friends. I haven't gone to any openings, parties, or meetings that I wasn't absolutely required for. I have been keeping my nose to the grindstone and have only allowed myself one outing per day, usually to exercise or run an errand. It's just what I've had to do in order to get my thesis finished and I'm not finished yet. I've had that pit of worry in my stomach for a couple of weeks and the only thing that has helped me to relax has been to work. But tonight I finally reached a point in my writing where I felt like I am going to get this done! I'm excited again and having fun with the process. Thank God!

I think it has something to do with taking some time off yesterday. I had to go to Norman to talk with someone in the graduate college and then to see my thesis advisor. I also got to see a sweet friend for a little bit before I came back up to OKC and he gave me some great advice. He told me to get some rest. So I did...and then I wrote 10 quality pages today. I feel so much better! I guess I needed the break. (Thanks P.)

I'm getting closer to the finish line all the time, and I'm not going to give up. I have this suspicion that graduating is the gateway to the next chapter in my life and while I know that I can do what I have planned without a master's degree, I don't want to. I know that I won't be able to respect myself if I just let all of the hard work, time and money I've spent over the past five and one-half years go to waste. In fact, it's even not an option. I want this! I love art history!

While writing tonight, that old spark jumped back into my heart and replaced the fear and worry. I remembered all of the discoveries and revelations studying art has brought to me over the years. Life makes more sense to me after studying art history because I've been taught to look at every detail and to contemplate the layers and layers of meaning they represent. It has helped me to open my mind to other cultures, beliefs and ideas. In the meantime, it's helped me to open my heart to more and more people. You realize that even after reading and looking for long periods of time, you could probably keep it up for a lifetime and never completely grasp the whole "picture." (Sorry. I know, bad pun. Haha!) But isn't that what we should be doing in order to understand and show compassion to everyone in this world? The more you know, the more you can empathize. The more you can empathize, the more you can love.

It's a really good thing that I listened to my friend last night and that the result of rest was peace, because my computer that I had been working on kept freezing up on me and giving me messages such as, "Corrupt disk," or "Unrecoverable error." That can strike fear into the heart of any writer, especially one with a deadline. Luckily, I had backed everything up to Dropbox (obsessively, as in every 10 minutes while I've been writing). Thank goodness for working during THIS time of technological advance. I have nothing but the hugest amount of respect for people who did this before computers, thesis templates given by OU, and online storage. Whew!

Aaaaand then there's the fact that I had an old computer that I wasn't using. Poor old gal. I had traded her in for a newer model. (Can you tell that I'm projecting what's happened to me with men onto this cold, hard piece of machinery? Haha!) But I didn't get rid of her and boy did she step in and take care of me. In fact, because it's older, the version of Word on it is actually more compatible with the OU thesis template than my new computer. After restarting the new one a few times (taking at least 10 minutes each time), I decided to ditch the high maintenance, sleek model and go back to the trustworthy and generous, although slightly larger, version. Guess what. It's actually been easier to write on this one because my mind somehow feels freer with all of that viewable space. Psychology is a mystery sometimes, isn't it? All I know is that I'm grateful. I installed Dropbox on this computer in five minutes, opened my thesis file and got back to work. Crisis averted. And I did it all by myself, without panicking. Hell yeah!

I keep getting the reminder that you have to balance work with rest. It's good to step away from things for a little bit and let some ideas marinate. It's also a good idea to write when you're fresh, so pushing and pushing doesn't produce quality, just quantity. That's not what I'm after here. I want my thesis committee to think that this is the best thing I've ever written. My thesis is about these precious, little, intimate gifts that people gave each other, so why shouldn't my paper be a gift to them? I want them to know how much I appreciate all that I've learned from them and I want to be true to myself too, so working hard is really a gift to me.

Of course, I have dreams like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, imagining that my writing will bring rapture and delight to all who read it.  Hahahahaha! Truthfully, I'll just be happy if when I finish, I'm proud of what I wrote, my committee is happy and that I'll get to graduate. The next few days are going to be full of hard work, but I'm ready. Bring it, Thesis!

Thesis

I have really enjoyed my thesis. I think I could research forever because it's so fun, but I've moved on to the writing process and I have to say that the challenges I've faced, while frustrating at times, have been good for me.  Trying to decide the type of voice I want to use was the first hurdle. Should it be formal or familiar? Should I present my research and make my points in a dry and straightforward manner or should I infuse the writing with some warmth? After giving such contemplation to my topic, I realized that there really needed to be some personal touch because the subject, portrait miniatures, is intimate. So it was back to the drawing board. Just as I had changed my writing every time I found a new resource, I was now changing my writing based on the need for it to reflect the art. I'm glad that I've had the time to do that, but it has set me behind. I know that I still have a little time but goodness it has me a little stressed out! I just want to make sure that I am presenting the truth within the most complete context I can construct.

The second challenge was deciding exactly how to lay out the paper. Should I write about each section of my topic, i.e. the artists, the town of Charleston, the cultural and historical context, the pieces, etc. all in different chapters or should I integrate everything. I've found that a combination of the two options is what is best. Just as Malbone painted the ivory with lovely washes, stipples and cross hatches of watercolor, I decided that the historical and contextual facts should color my writing over his sweet pieces, but there had to be a little background given in the beginning so that the writing would make sense.

I have to admit that I'll be really happy when this is over because I have spent as much time inside my head, convincing myself that I can do this as I have spent writing. When I'm done, I am going to be so proud of myself, but for now it's still time to work, work, work.

However, today I'm going to visit my family for Easter. It was good to get away to Savannah and Charleston, but it's been longer than usual since I've been home. I can't wait to see everybody! :)

Gratitude for Time in the Low Country

This bridge sculpture was in Forsyth Park the Saturday of the Girl Scout's 100th birthday celebration.
I love the quote by the Girl Scout's founder, Juliet Gordon Low, "The work of today is the history of tomorrow and we are its makers." So true!

I had the incredible fortune to go back to the Gibbes Museum of Art yesterday to look at the Malbone portrait miniatures one more time. Fun!!!! I found it incredibly satisfying to see them again after so much more research, looking and studying. I felt like I had a greater grasp on my topic and what I wanted to share in my thesis. I found my voice!!! I also felt completely accepted and supported by the curators I was working with. They treated me as an equal! I have to say that between looking through the files, seeing the correspondence of authors I've read and holding the miniatures in my hands, I felt like the most blessed person in the world. Add in the respect and kindness from those running the museum and I felt like a rock star. One of the curators even took a miniature that was loose in its casings apart for me so that I could look at the inner workings. They let me photograph it too. This will be so valuable!

Mostly, I'm just so grateful for the opportunity to come to the Low Country to study. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. The people I've met in Savannah and Charleston have all been so giving. My land lady, Carol, not only restored and placed a desk in my room towards the beginning of my visit, but she also left treats for me on the back porch weekly. I swear that I exercised almost everyday, but there is no way that anyone will be able to tell when I get home because Carol would place half of a loaf of fresh bread or banana pudding from our favorite bakery on my back porch every other day. She would go for herself and bring some home to share. She and I also had many talks about our intentions for life, new ways to better support our friends and how grateful we were for our abundant blessings.

She's an artist and moved to Savannah about a year ago because she loves it as much as I do. We're kindred spirits. We both want to use our lives to serve people, we love the arts and we both feel like there's just something magical about Savannah. She even offered to let me come back and stay for free. Who could be so lucky? Mostly, I feel like I've found a lifelong friend in her and I count that as a great blessing. She is so positive, encouraging, kind, generous, loving and helped me through a period of great stress. I know that she was an answer to prayer for me. Today, before I left, she took me to another artist's house and had me look through a lot of his work and pick a piece that I liked. She told me that it was her hope that it would remind me of her. As if I needed a reminder. :) It's a gorgeous oil pastel, Savannah street scene. I can't wait to frame it and hang it in my house. There are people I've known for years that I don't feel as close to as Carol. We just clicked from the moment we met.

Why did I ever worry about being there all alone? Even when I was by myself, which was most of the time, I was happy and at peace. The only tears that I shed were ones for my friend, Allen, and his family. And then there were those that were a result of the overwhelming sense that life couldn't get any better.

I found all that I needed and more in Savannah. I found it here in Charleston too. When I say that, I mean that I not only gained all of the information I needed for my thesis, but I also found confidence and peace. I've finally reached a point where the words are spilling out of me and into my computer. It's all I can think about. I'm constantly writing in my head, when I'm not near my computer, because I can't help myself. So whatever happens tomorrow or in my thesis defense, I know that I can sleep well tonight because everything I'm doing is coming from a wellspring of creativity rooted in months of study, excitement over discovery and work! This is the very best place to be for writing!

I was sad to leave Savannah this morning, but as I crossed the Talmadge Bridge, I found myself grateful to be going to Charleston. It helped to know that I could return in August. That's so soon!!! Wooohooo!  I have to admit that I've already starting thinking about what I want to research for fun when I get back there. I can't wait for that, but I'm also excited about getting home. It will be great to see my friends and family. It's great to be happy wherever you are.

Life is so good!